Voice Over: Val Cole

POEM:

I’m scared that I’m a narcissist, by Kailah Peters

But really I think I just like myself
For the first time in 25 years
And this shit is wild

Like I used to introduce myself with sadness first
And now I lead with laughter
Because I’m laughing all the time

I stand on stage and ask strangers
To find delight in my bad dates
You need rain to make a rainbow
I need to crash a bachelor party in new orleans for the plot

My grandfather is trying to decide if I’m manic or just happy
I’m trying to convince him two things can be true at the same time

Now rewind and it’s a few months into living alone,
Putting bandaids on my broken heart

I decide I’m too comfortable falling asleep next to my vibrator
So I get on the apps
But it’s too soon

In come a string of faces I can’t see
Through the sting of my tears

Then I give up and make my tinder bio my venmo
And now I’m banned from tinder
And the cycle repeats itself
This time with charged batteries

So, I switch to bumble and meet B.
He’s tall, dark and mustachioed
My daddy issues personified

And maybe I should be embarrassed
that I’m closer in age to this man’s cat than him
But the sex is so good,
I’m trying to convince my therapist this is actually healing
Like I’m learning a lot about my attachment style

It’s true and it’s stupid, we can laugh, you should laugh
But in all honesty, it gave me the space to demote romantic relationships
And focus on more important things – like literally anything else

Now I’m writing a book
Getting promoted
And going back to school

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I’m building community
And collecting friends
Like grandparents
Collect stamps

Pan over manchester Tennessee and you’ll find me and my best friend
Stoned, twirling with the trees

I found god, and her name is the profound depth of female friendship (or barbie)

Morgan puts on coffee when I text I’m on my way
I drop off popcorn and brownie mix when Meg texts she got her period
We turn water into vodka
pull the moon down with the bounce of our ass
And still make it to an 8 am meeting dressed in slacks

I’m on my hot girl summer
Bad bitch act

I am floating in an abundance of love
Water flooding in from every direction

And yes, Ted Lasso is the only lover I talk about on stage
But it’s not because I’m oh so in love with the way he gives me drugs

It’s because I spent the better part of three years
Walking around the internet calling my ex the love of my life
Now they are my ex
And I have to keep living my life

So, I only want to do exactly what I want to do

I’m still me and some things never change
I’m still compelled to make art
Out of the paper mache of my heart
But I can’t stand to make anymore declarative statements I think I might regret

I don’t want to write a love poem, unless it’s about my friends

Yes – I want to love, but I no longer dive head first into the concrete hoping for water

I’m living fast and loving slow
Because I refuse to get swallowed looking
For acceptance and validation between someone else’s legs
And I refuse to critique the crazy ways I’ve put myself back together again

I’m scared that I’m a narcissist
But really I think I just love myself
Quirks and all
For the first time in 25 years